Yes, I know that I signed up to receive updates about Spore. Amazingly, I did that on Friday the 20th of May 2005. Was it really that long ago?

It took almost three years for you to send me the first email about Spore. Since then, I’ve received the odd email now and again. I didn’t mind. After all, I signed up for it.

Then, in March, you send me a non-Spore email. So I decided to unsubscribe. I really wasn’t interested in hearing any more about Spore (after all, that train’s left the station), and I certainly wasn’t interested in receiving advertising about anything else.

Seven months later and I received another email. I unsubscribed again, confirming that I was receiving these emails because I’d signed up for Spore updates.

Two weeks later, another one. Unsubscribed for a third time. This is getting annoying.

And now, six days later, yet another email. For this you must die. Metaphorically. So let’s see:

• The Sims 3 is Available on Consoles Now! I do not care!
• If you no longer want us to contact you, click here to be removed from our mailing list. Consider it done!
• Confirm that I want to be removed from all EA communications. With pleasure!
• By opting out I won’t receive updates about Spore. Am I sure? You bet I am!
• Confirm unsubscription by logging in to my EA profile. Confirmed!

Come on, you scum, you just try sending me one more.

Anyone else getting spammed by EA after they’ve gone through the unsubscription process?

1. I was consumed by the FAQoverflow project. It launched five days ago, and I’m resting, preparing myself for the next project.
2. It’s school holidays, so we’re doing extra things as a family.
3. GeekSalt have just launched the website for Fibber McGee’s, so I’ve been writing other blog posts on other blogs, and that’s exhaused whatever muse I might have.
4. I’ve used up my backlog of posts (for a while there I had six in the queue ready to go).
5. Bloody Minecraft.

I recently wrote a series of posts about my favourite games of all time, talking alot about my love of procedurally generated content, conservation of matter, emergent gameplay, sandbox environments, exploration and so forth. If you tilt your head and squint your eyes, it’s possible to join the dots between those games and Minecraft.

Funny thing is, I first played Minecraft about a year ago, when the project was first announced on The Chaos Engine. And I didn’t like it. The graphics were slow and choppy, I balked at the whole Java thing, and I just didn’t get the appeal of the creative mode (which, back then, was the only mode). Today I read through Notch’s blog, and I’m kicking myself for not following developments more closely, as it appears that the game I’m enjoying now was coming together much earlier this year. Oh, well.

Probably the biggest lessons I’m taking from the whole Minecraft phenomenon are that

• it’s still possible for an indie developer to make a bucketload of money from a game that runs on home computers;
• the programming language that you use really doesn’t matter; and
• complex games that are hugely popular within a small niche, such as Dwarf Fortress, can be boiled down into their essential components and presented in a nice way that will have a huge appeal to everyone.

In other news, I’m thinking of marketing FAQoverflow as follows:

FAQoverflow: It’s sorta like Minecraft.

I’m particularly proud because someone in the building where I work isn’t capable of doing this, and they’re all growed up.

Almost Empty. Photo by Eastwood/Getty.

Rather than going through the simple, obvious steps (unhook toilet roll holder, slide off used cardboard tube, pick up fresh roll from the convenient stack within arms reach, thread it on the holder, rehook the holder, take the empty cardboard tube out when you’re done to throw in the bin), they’ve chosen some not-so-obvious ones (start rationing the last remaining scraps of paper in the hope that you’ll avoid the hassle of being the person to replace the toilet roll by leaving one tiny dangling ripped piece of paper on the roll, thereby signalling that it’s Not Quite Finished Yet, or, in the worst-case scenario, retrieve a fresh roll only to balance it precariously on top of the fucking empty cardboard tube, resulting in a completely non-functional toilet paper dispenser).

This obviously annoys me, as small things often do. It’s annoying mostly because it’s not obvious why this strategy benefits the individual whom practices it. You see, it doesn’t require any less effort than the strategy which has a beneficial outcome for every (man) in the building, so why do it at all? When presented with two actions of comparable cost, why not choose the one with greater utility? Isn’t there an Occam’s Razor for responsible human behaviour?

Equally annoying are drivers who choose to signal that they’re changing lanes, turning the corner or moving into the freeway exit ramp while they’re in the act of doing it. I can understand why people choose not to signal at all – they’re actually saving themselves a modicum of effort. But why go to the same effort (of moving your hand to the signal lever and pushing it up or down) while, at the same time, completely removing any beneficial effect to other drivers on the road (that is, actually giving us fair warning of your intentions)? I know that when you were seventeen you were taught how to move the signal lever by moving it while turning the steering wheel (up for anti-clockwise, down for clockwise), but that doesn’t mean you should still be doing that. It’s not a rule, you know.

I try to give these people the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but it’s of no use. I think they’re just passively evil.

Football

I went to a football game the other day with a few friends. One of them commented that the oval looked smaller than he had expected. I said, “What do you mean? It’s 100 metres wide and 200 metres long! Of course”, I added, “that’s only a ballpark figure.”

Axe Murderers

There was this news story on TV a while back about a young man who murdered his parents. When the reporter asked the obviously shocked neighbours about the man, they told him how quiet and harmless he seemed. Then one of them remembered how he had made constant death threats against his parents. Another chipped in with stories of him shooting cats with an air rifle. And then pandemonium broke out, as the neighbours started yelling about how he was a crazy freak, and how they all hated his guts.

Indian Food

Did you know there was an Indian version of The Beatles? They even went through a weird stage, hanging out with the Archbishop of Canterbury and playing acoustic guitars instead of their sitars. Here’s the lyrics to one of their most enduring songs:

Dear Sir and Madam, here’s your vindaloo
It took me days and days to cook it up for you
It’s based on a recipe I got from my mum
And it’s very very hot, so you’ll need to have some
Cucumber raita!
Cucumber raita!

It’s a lovely curry, with some lovely naan
(there’s some popadoms in the frying pan)
Sir, you appear to be turning pale
You’re an unsteady sod; so instead of beer
Cucumber raita!
Cucumber raita!

Words

Isn’t it interesting how words change their meaning with time? I was reading a book from 1895 the other day, and I came across a passage which read: “The chambermaid rushed sobbing from the room, followed by Mr. Dawkins, who was ejaculating wildly.” I was very offended, until I realized that the word “sobbing” has changed meaning drastically in the last hundred years.

Hollywood

I really hate those corny romantic American movies where, at the end of the film, the two lovers embrace in a public place and the crowd of onlookers break into spontaneous applause. I was in a restaurant once and this guy kissed his girlfriend, so I started clapping and whooping. But nobody else joined in. And then the guy said “Hey, what are you doing, buddy?”, so I said “I’m clapping man, can’t you see that?”, and then came on over and punched me in the nose. So that’s why I hate those movies.

Clothes

I was in the city with a girl, and she said to me, “Do you like the sarong that girl over there is wearing?”. I bellowed out, “What sarong?”, and a passing ethnic stereotype yelled back “Nothing’s a-wrong, mate! What’s da matter with you, eh?”

Ties

I have always found it rather odd that businessmen affect to wear their ties on their shoulders when outdoors in the city. I think someone should do a study on it.

Smells

I think the next big leap in technology will be smells. It will take just one geek to come up with some big breakthrough, and in no time at all everyone will be talking about the great new “smell chip”. Sony would develop a sleek smell machine, with their own smell format, but the other manufacturers would band together and develop an inferior smell format which would become successful through clever marketing campaigns. Televisions would be made “smell compatible”. If you wanted to smell in private, you could wear little “nose-olfactors”. Musicians would play special smell instruments at gigs, and you’d better watch out for the door-to-door smell salesman. Smell lovers would complain about synthetic smells, and they would harp on and on about the good old days, and how great the natural smells were back then. Computers would come with an optional “smell card”, and software for mixing smells. You could customize your desktop to have your favourite smell, and you’d be able to download new smells. When an error occurs, a special smell would be emitted.

Tattoos

The other day I pointed out a tattoo on a man’s arm to a friend. “That’s a Swastika”, I said. “You mean its not a real tattoo?”, she replied.

Body Piercing

I reckon if you’re lucky enough to have a big sticky-out mole on some weird part of your body, you should paint that mole silver and pretend that you’re into body piercing. People would express amazement at how you managed to get that part of your body pierced, and they would admire your impressive looking stud.

The Wall

A Documentary by Jason Hutchens

Title shot, ‘The Wall’.

Establishing shot (outdoors, in a park somewhere or maybe near the city with views of the skyline). Pan to reveal Jas with a microphone, walking along slowly in a vaguely 60 minutes fashion.

Jas: “This is a story about how a wall came to be built. A very special wall, which has helped to unite a small community of University staff and students here in Perth, Western Australia. I was personally involved in its construction, and I have watched it grow over the past 14 months. When I got the idea to make this documentary, I thought I would be greeted with hostility from the students, who not surprisingly would want to protect the wall from the public eye. To my surprise my little project was welcomed with open arms. I was permitted to film the wall, and for that alone I am grateful. But a got more than just the wall – a lot more. I got the story behind the wall, a saga of mammoth proportions as told by the people closest to it. For the next 4 minutes you will become part of this interesting story. So sit back, relax, get yourself a glass of Coca Cola and prepare for enlightenment!”

Vox pops of people around the department talking about the wall, edited in a quick fashion, possibly with some background music.

Cut to Wil, Sonny and Bruce sitting outdoors, perhaps in the sunken gardens, with Jas off to one side in the Spinal Tap style.

Jas: “So, tell me how the wall began.”

Wil: “It all started with my parents camp fridge.”

Shot of fridge.

Cut back to close-up of Wil.

Wil: (continues) “I brought it in to Uni one day, you know, just to keep drinks cold and stuff. It all started slowly, but some of the other guys started putting their cans of drink in there too. Before I knew it, we were buying a carton of Coca Cola every week.”

Jas: “Right, so you split the costs between the three of you?”

Bruce: “Yes, that’s right.”

Sonny: “You’ve got to realise that students require caffeine. That’s really important – sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you going.”

Cut to Jas nodding. Wil and Bruce generally agree.

Cut back to closer shot of Sonny.

Sonny: (continues) “Anyway, we all soon got tired of walking to the bin to put the empty cans away, so they started accumulating on the desk. One day I was playing around with them while talking on the phone, and when I looked down at them I realised I had built something.”

Cut to Jas.

Jas: (solemnly) “And what was that?”

Cut back to Sonny, extreme close-up.

Sonny: (pausing for effect) “It was a small wall.”

Cut to shot of a small stack of cans on a desk.

Cut to shot of Jas walking towards camera, hands waving, either in the street or down a corridor.

Jas: “Something seemed right about the structure that had inadvertantly been created. The small wall grew larger over the following weeks, and the students became active in it’s construction. They couldn’t satisfy their craving for empty cans quickly enough.”

Cut back to Wil

Wil: “At that stage, I decided it was time to start selling cans. We have a Coke vending machine in the building, and lots of people were using it, but it is expensive and unreliable.”

Cut to vision of Coke machine, with shots of hundreds of five cent coins pouring out of it, people hitting it, and several students rocking it about. Also show vision of the sign on the door, the fridge, the money pile and the cartons of coke.

Jas: (voiceover) “At 50 cents a can, the students underground Coke operation became both popular and self funding. They found that they were going out on ‘Coke Runs’ every week. On these expeditions they would buy up to a dozen cartons of Coca Cola.”

Cut to vision of a Coke Run in operation.

Jas: (voiceover) “The students sought out the cheapest cartons of Coke. Because there is usually a limit on the number of cartons that can be purchased, they worked in parallel, buying a few cartons each.”

Cut to shots of the Coke Wall itself.

Jas: (voiceover) “Today the wall has grown into an enormous structure. The students began keeping track of it’s growth.”

Cut to Wil sitting in front of a computer.

Wil: “I started counting the number of cans in the wall, and I made a graph that showed how quickly it was growing.”

Cut to vision of graph running under Netscape.

Jas: (voiceover) “Information about the wall was made available to millions of users worldwide on the Internet.”

Cut back to Wil in front of the computer.

Jas: (pointing) “So, why does the graph drop off suddenly at this point?”

Cut to close-up of Wil, with a sad expression on his face. He looks dejected, but says nothing. He then asks quietly that the interview be stopped.

Cut to Jas talking to camera, at an outside location.

Jas: “Obviously I had touched a nerve. Another student picks up the story.”

Cut to Sonny sitting on a chair, in a typical interviewee pose.

Sonny: “Students from another research group in this building stole my inflatable dinosaur. We got revenge by stealing all of the wheels from their chairs. This obviously pissed them off, because they retaliated.”

Cut to photograph of the dinosaur.

Jas: (voiceover) “This is the only remaining photograph of the inflatable dinosaur which sparked this rivalry. It has since been destroyed.”

Jas: “What did they do?”

Sonny: “They took our Coke wall.”

Cut to Jas talking to camera again.

Jas: “In a four hour operation, students from the other research group dismantled the wall, and stacked the 2,700 odd cans in the lift.”

Cut to shot of the lift.

Jas: (continuing) “This harmless prank became a disaster.”

Cut to Sonny.

Sonny: “When the cleaners arrived the following morning, they needed to fit their trolley into the lift. When they discovered it filled with Coke cans, they threw every last one of them away.”

Jas: “What, in the rubbish bin?”

Sonny: “Yes. They chucked them all in the bin.”

Cut to Jas, talking to camera.

Jas: “The students weren’t to be discouraged, though. The following year they slowly rebuilt the Coke Wall back to it’s former glory. However, the intense rivalry between research groups continues to this day. During the filming of this documentary, the Wall was defaced by students from the rival group. Understandably the students were upset, and I had trouble gaining admittance to their lab.”

Cut to shot of Jas fighting Adrian for admittance.

Cut to vision of Wil discovering the defaced wall.

Jas: (voiceover) “Typically, though, the students turned the defaced wall into something positive – a pillar.”

Shots of pillar being constructed, and discussion following its creation.

Cut to shot of Jas in the Coke Wall room.

Jas: “So, what is the future of the Coke Wall? Sadly, it seems, it has come to the end of its short life. The students are being moved to another lab, and the University has requested that the wall be dismantled. It seems that the saga of the Wall is drawing to a close. Jason Hutchens, reporting for the ABC.”

Cut to credits.