Tag Archives: History

Mental Procrastination

OK, I promise, last of these historic posts! The title was inspired by Andrew Braybook’s game diary in ZZAP!64 magazine, which you should immediately read. I wrote this 13 years ago, when I was young and stoopid…

Football

I went to a football game the other day with a few friends. One of them commented that the oval looked smaller than he had expected. I said, “What do you mean? It’s 100 metres wide and 200 metres long! Of course”, I added, “that’s only a ballpark figure.”

Axe Murderers

There was this news story on TV a while back about a young man who murdered his parents. When the reporter asked the obviously shocked neighbours about the man, they told him how quiet and harmless he seemed. Then one of them remembered how he had made constant death threats against his parents. Another chipped in with stories of him shooting cats with an air rifle. And then pandemonium broke out, as the neighbours started yelling about how he was a crazy freak, and how they all hated his guts.

Indian Food

Did you know there was an Indian version of The Beatles? They even went through a weird stage, hanging out with the Archbishop of Canterbury and playing acoustic guitars instead of their sitars. Here’s the lyrics to one of their most enduring songs:

Dear Sir and Madam, here’s your vindaloo
It took me days and days to cook it up for you
It’s based on a recipe I got from my mum
And it’s very very hot, so you’ll need to have some
Cucumber raita!
Cucumber raita!

It’s a lovely curry, with some lovely naan
(there’s some popadoms in the frying pan)
Sir, you appear to be turning pale
You’re an unsteady sod; so instead of beer
Cucumber raita!
Cucumber raita!

Words

Isn’t it interesting how words change their meaning with time? I was reading a book from 1895 the other day, and I came across a passage which read: “The chambermaid rushed sobbing from the room, followed by Mr. Dawkins, who was ejaculating wildly.” I was very offended, until I realized that the word “sobbing” has changed meaning drastically in the last hundred years.

Hollywood

I really hate those corny romantic American movies where, at the end of the film, the two lovers embrace in a public place and the crowd of onlookers break into spontaneous applause. I was in a restaurant once and this guy kissed his girlfriend, so I started clapping and whooping. But nobody else joined in. And then the guy said “Hey, what are you doing, buddy?”, so I said “I’m clapping man, can’t you see that?”, and then came on over and punched me in the nose. So that’s why I hate those movies.

Clothes

I was in the city with a girl, and she said to me, “Do you like the sarong that girl over there is wearing?”. I bellowed out, “What sarong?”, and a passing ethnic stereotype yelled back “Nothing’s a-wrong, mate! What’s da matter with you, eh?”

Ties

I have always found it rather odd that businessmen affect to wear their ties on their shoulders when outdoors in the city. I think someone should do a study on it.

Smells

I think the next big leap in technology will be smells. It will take just one geek to come up with some big breakthrough, and in no time at all everyone will be talking about the great new “smell chip”. Sony would develop a sleek smell machine, with their own smell format, but the other manufacturers would band together and develop an inferior smell format which would become successful through clever marketing campaigns. Televisions would be made “smell compatible”. If you wanted to smell in private, you could wear little “nose-olfactors”. Musicians would play special smell instruments at gigs, and you’d better watch out for the door-to-door smell salesman. Smell lovers would complain about synthetic smells, and they would harp on and on about the good old days, and how great the natural smells were back then. Computers would come with an optional “smell card”, and software for mixing smells. You could customize your desktop to have your favourite smell, and you’d be able to download new smells. When an error occurs, a special smell would be emitted.

Tattoos

The other day I pointed out a tattoo on a man’s arm to a friend. “That’s a Swastika”, I said. “You mean its not a real tattoo?”, she replied.

Body Piercing

I reckon if you’re lucky enough to have a big sticky-out mole on some weird part of your body, you should paint that mole silver and pretend that you’re into body piercing. People would express amazement at how you managed to get that part of your body pierced, and they would admire your impressive looking stud.

Solresol

Another historic article, from the 1990′s. Of course, these days you’d just look it up in Wikepedia, but that didn’t start until 2001.

Introduction

My fascination with Solresol began when I recently watched “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. My PhD research is focused on Language Processing, and I found the concept of a musical language interesting. I wondered whether Spielberg had made the whole thing up, or whether such a language existed.

I read all of the reviews on the Internet Movie Database, and I was surprised to find that none of them mentioned the musical language at all. Strange, given the part it plays in the movie.

Coincidentally, I picked up the “Cambridge Encyclopaedia of Language” the day after watching the film, and read a paragraph on an Artificial Language called Solresol which uses musical notes as elementary symbols. My fascination had begun.

A web search turned up scant information. The only web page dedicated to Solresol didn’t exist anymore, and its author, Greg Baker, had changed jobs. After a few email exchanges with his former work colleagues, I tracked Greg down. Most of the information in these pages is based on the email he sent me.

History

Solresol, or “Langue Musicale Universelle”, was invented at the beginning of the 19th century by Jean Francois Sudre (1787-1864), a music master who realized that the seven-note diatonic scale could provide elemental symbols for a universal language.

The French versions of these seven symbols are do, re, mi, fa, sol, la and si, although in this document I use so in preference to sol, and ti instead of si. So, in truth, Julie Andrews should have sung:-

Do, a deer, a female deer
Re, a drop of golden sun
Mi, a name I call myself
Fa, a long long way to run
Sol, the closest star to Earth
La, the note that follows sol
Si, the Italian word for “yes”
Which brings us back to Do!

The words in Solresol are short melodies. I’ll represent words as a sequence of characters taken from the set {D, R, M, F, S, L, T}. For example, the word solresol will be written as SRS, which corresponds to the three notes so, re and so. The word itself translates as “language”.

Solresol may be spoken, sung, whistled or played on a musical instrument. It may be written compactly, simply by representing each symbol by its first letter. It may be signed, which is reminiscent of “Close Encounters” yet again; it may even be represented with the seven colours of the rainbow.

As with all a priori languages (languages which use an invented set of elements which stand for basic concepts and are grouped into supposedly universal logical classifications, based on scientific and philosophical issues), Solresol is difficult to learn. Even so, it became very popular in the mid-19th century, and won several prizes.

It was so popular, in fact, that the French army toyed with the idea of using Solresol as the official means of communication when on the battlefield. This is presumably due to the fact that pure tones may be broadcast over further distances than articulated speech, and the confusion it would cause the enemy!

Design

The words in Solresol consist of sequences of notes. Sudre planned to use seven words of one note, 49 words of two notes, 336 words of three notes, 2268 words of four notes, and 9072 words of five notes.

Words need to be separated in some way if they are to be decoded uniquely; for this reason Sudre decided that word boundaries would be denoted with brief pauses. This requirement tends to break up the “melody” in an unpleasant way.

It is also interesting to note that Sudre didn’t use all combinations of three and four notes. It has been suggested that this was intentional, in order to avoid repititious sequences of notes. In fact, in the information I have, only 42 two-note words are defined—the seven repititious ones are omitted.

Combinations of one or two notes form the participles and pronouns, while three-note words are used for the most frequent words. There are seven classes of four note words, called keys, according to the initial note. For example, the key of do contains words which represent the physical and moral aspects of man. Finally, combinations of five notes furnish the names of the three categories: animal, vegetable and mineral.

To allow future expansion, Sudre included an encoding of the letters of the alphabet.

Grammatical categories may be distinguished by the position of an accent over the notes, which means the note should be lengthened to indicate stress. The verb is unstressed throughout, the noun is stressed on the first note, the adjective on the next-to-last, and the adverb on the last. The feminine is also marked by final stress.

The opposite of an idea is often expressed by reversing the order of the notes in a word.

Dictionary

This copy of the Solresol dictionary began with a version sent to me by Greg Baker. I HTMLised it, and converted the representation of Solresol notes to an unambiguous one. I also changed the ordering of the words to Solresol order, which makes their grouping into classes more obvious.

One Note Words

These seven words cover the most frequently used words in the English language.

Solresol English
D no, not
R and
M or
F at, to
S if
L the
T yes, agreed

Two Note Words

Although Sudre planned on using 49 two-note words, this list omits the seven repititious ones. These words form the particles and pronouns.

Solresol English
DR I, me, we, us
DM you
DF he, him
DS oneself, himself, herself, itself, themselves
DL one, someone
DT other
RD my, mine
RM your, yours
RF his
RS our, ours
RL your, yours
RT their, theirs
MD for, so (so that)
MR that, which, who
MF whose
MS good
ML look!, here (is here!), there (is there!)
MT good evening, good night
FD what
FR with, together
FM this, that
FS why
FL good, delicious
FT much, very
SD but
SR in
SM evil, bad
SF because
SL always, without end
ST thank, thanks!
LD no-one, nothing
LR by (agent, means)
LM here, there
LF bad
LS never, ever
LT of (of the)
TD same (the same thing)
TR each (each one), every (every one)
TM good day
TF little, barely
TS mister, sir
TL boy, youth, bachelor

Three Note Words

Sudre planned on using 336 three note words; this list has only xxx of them. These words are used for common words.

Solresol English
DDR earth
DDM season
DDF winter
DDS spring
DDL summer
DDT autumn
DRD time, weather?
DRR January
DRM day
DRF week
DRS month
DRL year
DRT century
DMD universe
DMM February
DMS God
DFF March
DSD hungry (be hungry)
DSR eat
DSM bread
DSF thirsty (be thirsty)
DSS April
DSL drink
DST water
DLL May
DTD help, assist
DTF accomplish
DTT June
RDD one, unity, first
RDR think
RDS acquainted with (be acquainted with), know (person)
RRD July
RRM August
RRF September
RRS October
RRL November
RRT December
RMM two, second
RML give
RFD look at
RFR pass, cross over
RFF three, third
RFL ask
RFS encounter, meet
RFT reply, answer
RSD listen
RSM leave, come out of, go out of
RSF return, later (see you later)
RSS four
RSL pay
RLD sleepy (be sleepy)
RLL five
RTT six, sixth
MDD thirteen
MDF prefer
MDL reciprocity
MDS admire
MDT friend
MRR fourteen
MMD seven
MMR eight
MMF nine
MMS ten
MML eleven
MMT twelve
MFD pleasure
MFF fifteen
MFL wish
MSD come
MSR enter
MSL equality
MLR confidence, trust
MLT like, love
MTF husband
MTS happy, happiness, good luck
FDD eighty
FDM letter (probably mail)
FDF date (tell the date of)
FDS signature
FDT finish
FRD address, direct to
FRR hundred
FRM be
FRF go
FRL post, mail
FMD stamp, pay postage
FMR serve
FMM thousand
FMF stamp (postal stamp)
FML letter-carrier
FMS possess
FMT carry
FFR twenty
FFM thirty
FFS forty
FFL fifty
FFT sixty
FSR leave
FSL do, bring about
FST prepare
FLD necessary (it is necessary)
FLR able (be able to)
FLM means (means of doing)
FLF understand
FTR information
FTF want, wish
FTS cry, weep
FTL decide
SDD Sunday
SDR copy
SDS interpret, translate
SRR yesterday
SRF abridge, abbreviate
SRL dictionary
SRS language
SMD Devil
SMM today
SML remember
SFF tomorrow
SFL leave
SSD Monday
SSR Tuesday
SSM Wednesday
SSF Thursday
SSL Friday
SST Saturday
SLM pardon
SLL hour
SLS permit
SLT to go up, climb
STR joy, joyous
STM misfortune, unfortunate
STF laugh
LDM school, student
LDF read
LDT book
LRR fog
LRS lesson
LMR write
LMF pen (writing pen)
LML ink
LMS forget
LMT difficulty
LFF snow, hail?
LFD paper
LSD pencil
LSR entertain, amuse
LSF defeat
LSS ice, freeze
LST flour
LLF morning
LLS evening
LLT night
LTD something
LTF hesitate
LTT cold (it is cold)
TDD air
TDM enemy
TDF begin
TDL progress
TDS study
TDT learn
TRF exactitude
TRS correct
TMR explain
TMF meaning
TML ease
TFF sun
TFL repeat
TFT again
TST question
TLD compare
TLM detest
TLS to go down, descend
TTD rain
TTR wind, blow
TTS thunder, thunderstorm
TTL heat, hot (it is hot)

Four Note Words

The four note words are divided into seven classes, called keys, which depend on the initial note of the word. Each class represents some philosophical category. Sudre planned on designing 2268 four note words, although there are only xxx listed here.

Key of Do: Physical and Moral Aspects of Man

Solresol English
DDSD bible
DRDM body
DRDF head
DRDS hair
DRMR eye
DRFL arm
DMRD senses (the five senses)
DMRM see
DMRF touch, feel
DMRS taste
DMRL sense
DMRT hear
DMFD man
DMFR live
DMFS child
DMSF intelligence
DMLD say, speak
DMLR pronounce
DMTM liberty
DMTT superstition
DFDR wait for, wait on
DFMR quality
DFMM behind
DFFD Easter
DFSM beautiful
DFST truth
DFLD candor, sincerity
DFLR goodness, gentleness
DFLM sensibility
DFLF warmth (warm attitude)
DFLS generosity
DFLT humanity, humaneness
DFTF conscience
DFTS honesty
DSDR call
DSDS open
DSMF light, kindle
DSFM rise, get up
DSTF guide
DLDM accept, consent (consent to)
DLDF put, place
DLRS glass (drinking glass)
DLRT wine
DLFR food
DLFS soup, broth
DLSD meat
DTDR enough
DTDM vegetable
DTDF salad
DTDT egg
DTRD milk
DTRM butter
DTRF cheese
DTRL fruit
DTRT bakery
DTFD thoughtless, unwise act
DTFR beer
DTFS coffee
DTFT sugar
DTST chocolate
DTSF cooking, cuisine

Key of Re: Family, Household and Dress

Solresol English
RDRF shirt
RDRL shoe, boot
RDMD wash oneself
RDFF health (be healthy)
RDFT clothing
RDST umbrella
RRDR build, construct, construction
RRDL masonry
RMRM walk around
RMRD go, walk
RMRF car
RMRS visit
RMFL house
RMFT lodge, lodgings, reside, residence, rent
RMSD sleep
RMTS stairs
RFDM furniture
RFRF sit down
RFMD dead, die
RFFM locksmith
RFSD fire
RFSF equal, peer
RSDF hide
RFLD linen
RFLR tear, rip (rip up)
RFLM mend, darn
RFLF sew
RFTS cut, knife
RSRR pliers, pincers
RSTR work
RSML continue
RSFF hammer
RSLD tired (grow tired)
RSLM lie down, go to bed
RSLS rest, lie down
RSTD useful
RLDR bleach, wash, washing
RLML inexpensive, cheap
RLFF right (on the right)
RLFT hold, seize
RLSM find
RLLD cabinet-work
RTDD equipment, tools
RTDS family
RTDT father
RTRS son
RTMR brother
RTSR name
RTLM loan, lend
RTTD machine

Key of Mi:

Solresol English
MDDR how much, how many
MDRR almost, around
MDRF before
MDFL abandon, forsake
MDFS orphan
MDSD fear, be afraid of
MDLD refuse, reject
MRDL undertake (undertake a project)
MRRS gradually, imperceptibly
MMDM however, nevertheless
MMFD before, in front of
MMFR opposite, facing
MMFS everywhere
MMSR at (someone’s house), with
MFRD selfishness
MFMF laziness
MSDL change
MSRD remain
MSRS receive
MSRL meet, get together
MLRL slander
MLTR play
MTMF responsibility
MTFD indiscretion
MTSD experience
MTLL last
MTTR without

Key of Fa:

Solresol English
FDRM country, rural
FDTD gardening
FDTT comfort, relieve
FRDR agriculture
FRDM after
FRDF plow, furrow
FRMF harvest, gather
FRSD horse
FRTR dog
FRTM cat
FMRR camphor
FMMD convalescence
FMFR army, troop
FMFL regiment
FFDR sick, sickness, be sick
FFDM consultation
FFDF doctor
FFDL dentist
FFDS surgeon
FFDT occultist
FFRS chemist, druggist, pharmacist
FFLR left (on the left)
FSRL pull
FSMR strategy, tactic
FSLM sailor
FSLT boat, ship
FLDR sail, travel by boat
FLRL? heal
FLFR flood
FLST unite, unity
FTDR travel
FTRD railroad, railway
FTRF transport
FTMR speed
FTMT advance
FTFS accident
FTSF way, path
FTSR throughout, through (go through)
FTLL anatomy
FTLT station

Key of So:

Solresol English
SDDF chillblain
SDRM theatre
SDRL black
SDSD close
SDST succeed
SDTD orchestra
SDTR instrument
SRMF sing
SMFS tone
SMSR music
SMST harmony
SFDD suffocation
SFMD age
SFLL danger
SSRD migraine
SLDL painting (art of painting)
SLMF sculpture
SLLR purgation
SLTR know (know a fact)
STDD bier
STDR literature
STFT new
STLD telegraph

Key of La: Industry and Commerce

Solresol English
LDRD industry
LDRM manufacture
LDRF matter, substance
LDRS produce
LDRL sell, retail
LDRT bulk (in bulk)
LDMD establish
LDMR store, shop
LDFD commerce, trade, merchant
LDLD muslin
LRDR colour
LRDL buy
LRDS white
LRMR violet
LRMF green
LRMS yellow
LRML blue
LRMT red
LRFR propose, offer
LRLR count
LRLM calculate
LRLF number (symbol)
LRSM string, twine
LRSL take
LRTD price
LRTR value
LMDS mix
LMMD tinsmith’s
LMLF merchandise
LMLR expense
LMST all, everything
LFDR numbering
LFDM add, addition
LFDF subtract, subtraction
LFDS multiply, multiplication
LFDL divide, division
LFDT sharing, distribution
LFRL half
LFLD measure
LFLF litre
LFSD cash (on hand), money
LFSF money
LFSL franc, dollar
LFST centime, cent
LFTF gram
LSDD grocery store
LSRF metre
LSRL give back, repay
LSMR specimen, sample
LSFD display, show
LSFR exposition, exhibition
LSFM assortment, set
LSLF guarantee
LLRL bookstore
LLRT hardware store, iron monger’s
LLMD press, printing shop
LLFD watchmaker’s
LTDD butcher’s
LTMS notions (store)
LTLT earn, win?

Key of Ti:

Solresol English
TDRD town, citizen
TDRT street
TDMT municipality
TDFS restaurant
TDFT market
TDTD middle, midst
TRDR government
TRDS election
TRTD diplomacy
TRTR politics, political?
TRTL republic
TMLD magazine, newspaper
TMTF recede, lose ground
TSMR finance
TSTF kill
TSTL fall
TFRM country, nation
TFMR internationalism
TFLF rendez-vous
TLMD police
TLTL lose
TTDS magistrature
TTMD testimony
TTLF imprisonment, police station

Five Note Words

Sudre planned on using 9072 five note words, although there are none known at this stage.

Acknowledgements

Steven Spielberg made Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which got me interested in the idea of a musical language in the first place.

Some information about Solresol was obtained from the Cambridge Encyclopaedia of Language.

Greg Baker was kind enough to pass on to me all the information he had about Solresol, after I found that his web page on the language no longer existed.

My recent work on Solresol has been aided by the information made available by Steven Rice, including his English translation of Boleslas Gajewski’s Grammaire du Solrisol.

John Schilke has mailed me hardcopies of all the information he’s obtained about Solresol in 20 years of searching.

The Wall

Yes, yet another re-post of something I wrote over a decade ago.

The Wall

A Documentary by Jason Hutchens

Title shot, ‘The Wall’.

Establishing shot (outdoors, in a park somewhere or maybe near the city with views of the skyline). Pan to reveal Jas with a microphone, walking along slowly in a vaguely 60 minutes fashion.

Jas: “This is a story about how a wall came to be built. A very special wall, which has helped to unite a small community of University staff and students here in Perth, Western Australia. I was personally involved in its construction, and I have watched it grow over the past 14 months. When I got the idea to make this documentary, I thought I would be greeted with hostility from the students, who not surprisingly would want to protect the wall from the public eye. To my surprise my little project was welcomed with open arms. I was permitted to film the wall, and for that alone I am grateful. But a got more than just the wall – a lot more. I got the story behind the wall, a saga of mammoth proportions as told by the people closest to it. For the next 4 minutes you will become part of this interesting story. So sit back, relax, get yourself a glass of Coca Cola and prepare for enlightenment!”

Vox pops of people around the department talking about the wall, edited in a quick fashion, possibly with some background music.

Cut to Wil, Sonny and Bruce sitting outdoors, perhaps in the sunken gardens, with Jas off to one side in the Spinal Tap style.

Jas: “So, tell me how the wall began.”

Wil: “It all started with my parents camp fridge.”

Shot of fridge.

Cut back to close-up of Wil.

Wil: (continues) “I brought it in to Uni one day, you know, just to keep drinks cold and stuff. It all started slowly, but some of the other guys started putting their cans of drink in there too. Before I knew it, we were buying a carton of Coca Cola every week.”

Jas: “Right, so you split the costs between the three of you?”

Bruce: “Yes, that’s right.”

Sonny: “You’ve got to realise that students require caffeine. That’s really important – sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you going.”

Cut to Jas nodding. Wil and Bruce generally agree.

Cut back to closer shot of Sonny.

Sonny: (continues) “Anyway, we all soon got tired of walking to the bin to put the empty cans away, so they started accumulating on the desk. One day I was playing around with them while talking on the phone, and when I looked down at them I realised I had built something.”

Cut to Jas.

Jas: (solemnly) “And what was that?”

Cut back to Sonny, extreme close-up.

Sonny: (pausing for effect) “It was a small wall.”

Cut to shot of a small stack of cans on a desk.

Cut to shot of Jas walking towards camera, hands waving, either in the street or down a corridor.

Jas: “Something seemed right about the structure that had inadvertantly been created. The small wall grew larger over the following weeks, and the students became active in it’s construction. They couldn’t satisfy their craving for empty cans quickly enough.”

Cut back to Wil

Wil: “At that stage, I decided it was time to start selling cans. We have a Coke vending machine in the building, and lots of people were using it, but it is expensive and unreliable.”

Cut to vision of Coke machine, with shots of hundreds of five cent coins pouring out of it, people hitting it, and several students rocking it about. Also show vision of the sign on the door, the fridge, the money pile and the cartons of coke.

Jas: (voiceover) “At 50 cents a can, the students underground Coke operation became both popular and self funding. They found that they were going out on ‘Coke Runs’ every week. On these expeditions they would buy up to a dozen cartons of Coca Cola.”

Cut to vision of a Coke Run in operation.

Jas: (voiceover) “The students sought out the cheapest cartons of Coke. Because there is usually a limit on the number of cartons that can be purchased, they worked in parallel, buying a few cartons each.”

Cut to shots of the Coke Wall itself.

Jas: (voiceover) “Today the wall has grown into an enormous structure. The students began keeping track of it’s growth.”

Cut to Wil sitting in front of a computer.

Wil: “I started counting the number of cans in the wall, and I made a graph that showed how quickly it was growing.”

Cut to vision of graph running under Netscape.

Jas: (voiceover) “Information about the wall was made available to millions of users worldwide on the Internet.”

Cut back to Wil in front of the computer.

Jas: (pointing) “So, why does the graph drop off suddenly at this point?”

Cut to close-up of Wil, with a sad expression on his face. He looks dejected, but says nothing. He then asks quietly that the interview be stopped.

Cut to Jas talking to camera, at an outside location.

Jas: “Obviously I had touched a nerve. Another student picks up the story.”

Cut to Sonny sitting on a chair, in a typical interviewee pose.

Sonny: “Students from another research group in this building stole my inflatable dinosaur. We got revenge by stealing all of the wheels from their chairs. This obviously pissed them off, because they retaliated.”

Cut to photograph of the dinosaur.

Jas: (voiceover) “This is the only remaining photograph of the inflatable dinosaur which sparked this rivalry. It has since been destroyed.”

Jas: “What did they do?”

Sonny: “They took our Coke wall.”

Cut to Jas talking to camera again.

Jas: “In a four hour operation, students from the other research group dismantled the wall, and stacked the 2,700 odd cans in the lift.”

Cut to shot of the lift.

Jas: (continuing) “This harmless prank became a disaster.”

Cut to Sonny.

Sonny: “When the cleaners arrived the following morning, they needed to fit their trolley into the lift. When they discovered it filled with Coke cans, they threw every last one of them away.”

Jas: “What, in the rubbish bin?”

Sonny: “Yes. They chucked them all in the bin.”

Cut to Jas, talking to camera.

Jas: “The students weren’t to be discouraged, though. The following year they slowly rebuilt the Coke Wall back to it’s former glory. However, the intense rivalry between research groups continues to this day. During the filming of this documentary, the Wall was defaced by students from the rival group. Understandably the students were upset, and I had trouble gaining admittance to their lab.”

Cut to shot of Jas fighting Adrian for admittance.

Cut to vision of Wil discovering the defaced wall.

Jas: (voiceover) “Typically, though, the students turned the defaced wall into something positive – a pillar.”

Shots of pillar being constructed, and discussion following its creation.

Cut to shot of Jas in the Coke Wall room.

Jas: “So, what is the future of the Coke Wall? Sadly, it seems, it has come to the end of its short life. The students are being moved to another lab, and the University has requested that the wall be dismantled. It seems that the saga of the Wall is drawing to a close. Jason Hutchens, reporting for the ABC.”

Cut to credits.

The Marriage Problem

Another one from the vaults. I wrote this in the late 1990′s:

A society consists of equal numbers of males and females. Each female knows all the males and vice versa. Each female has a priority list of the males she would like to marry, and vice versa. The task is to marry them all off with the least shortfall in expectations, that is, with maximum of priorities being satisfied.

Let’s say that there are X males in a village, and, as luck would have it, there are also X females. Assuming monogamy, each and every bloke is guaranteed a partner, although she may turn out to be more of a ball-and-chain (and vice-versa—let’s not be sexist).

Being of a well-organised race, the villagers carry around with them, at all times, a stone tablet, onto which they carve the names of their favourite members of the opposite sex. In fact, they’re so fastidious about this that they keep the names of *every* member of the opposite sex, ranked from most desirable (assigned a ranking of 1), to the least desirable (assigned a ranking of X).

Whenever two villagers of the opposite sex meet, they compare notes (so to speak). Each quotes the rank they’ve assigned the other, so that both parties know their Mutual Attractiveness Factor, which is defined as the sum of the two separate ranks.

Hundreds of years ago, a rather forward-thinking village chief built a chess-board in the centre of the village, containing X*X squares in total. Each row of this board is inscribed with the name of a male villager, while the columns are reserved for the females. Whenever a couple meet, they make a pilgrimage to the board, and place upon the square at the intersection of their names a number of pebbles. The number they choose is always exactly the same as their M.A.F. (due to some ancient tradition, no doubt).

Each spring, when a man’s fancy turns to… chess, the village idiot stops playing with his dead rats, and instead sweeps the chess board free of pebbles. He does this with a straw broom, babbling all the while, about such things as “en-pee-’ard” and “low-cal-mini-mah”. The village idiot who, fortunately, is hermaphrodite, sweeps the board free of pebbles in a very strange way (using a process which he refers to as a “seaweed-with-musical-timing”).

What he does is this: he first looks for a pile of pebbles which, if it were to be swept away, would cause either the row or column which intersects it to become pebble-free. If such a pile is found, it is carefully gathered up and transferred to a leather sack, and the names associated with the row and column are recorded on a list. The row and column are then rather haphazardly swept clear. On the other hand, if no such pile is found, then the largest pile of stones on the board is swept into the forest. In the case when more than one such pile exists, the village idiot selects between them at random (there isn’t space here to describe how he makes the selection; suffice it to say that the process involves a chicken, several lengths of twine, and boundless patience).

This process, or “algae-rhythm”, is repeated until the board is free of rocks. When this happens, the village idiot hands his list to the local clergyman, who promptly marries all of the couples on it. The idiot then divides his bag of pebbles into 2X evenly-sized groups (which, more often than not, involves smashing the pebbles into bits). The number of pebbles in each group represents the average rank assigned to a person by their partner in marriage (which explains the low divorce rate, perhaps).

Once the weddings have taken place, the village idiot is given a bag of gold by the grateful couples, which he promptly spends on beer and rats.

Solving Puzzles, circa 199*

I had absolutely no sleep at all last night, which is why I spent today in a stupor, content with reading news and pottering about rather than Doing Something Challenging.

This explains why I started doing some vanity searches this afternoon, digging up an old web-page of mine from the mid-1990′s. Yes, it used TABLEs for formatting (back then, it was common to UPPERCASE your HTML). Yes, it included a count of page views at the bottom of each and every page. And, yes, it even included a link to my “hotlinks” which I could access when using “Netscape” from home, over my swanky 14.4 dialup connection (presumably when I could drag myself away from playing with my PlayStation).

One of my old web pages was about number problems. I used to have fun writing programs to solve puzzles such as these by brute force:

Which numbers satisfy the following property… the sum of the individual digits of the number raised to the power of that digit is equal to the number itself? For the purpose of this problem, we define 0^0=0.

For example, the number 3435 is known to have this property, since 3^3 + 4^4 + 3^3 + 5^5 = 3435.

This problem proved rather easy to solve. We know that no numbers above 10*9^9 (about 4e9) can have this property, simply because the sum will always be less than the original number. Therefore we can solve the problem by brute force, using unsigned 32-bit integers.

I wrote such a program, and it took a few hours to execute on our SGI Onyx computer. The solution set is { 0, 1, 3435, 438579088 }.

And here’s my program:

It’s almost unbelievable that such a program used to take “a few hours” to run on a machine that was, at the time, a veritable power horse. Today I compiled and ran it on my grungy lappy. It burned one core for a few minutes to find the same solution. All the while, my computer remained snappy, and I actually became impatient waiting for the answer. What have we become? Why aren’t we doing more, now that we all carry around supercomputers with us?

Funny thing is, my website was averaging 1800 hits per day back in the mid-90′s. This blog, by comparison, barely manages 10. Well, phooey.

Update: Optimisations

On my desktop at work, this same program ran in 150 seconds, using a quarter of the total processing power of the machine. That’s something like 26 million numbers checked every second. That would have seemed like magic 13 years ago, when the Onyx was checking half a million numbers each second.

Beetlefeet asked about the optimisations mentioned in my comment below. Each optimisation sped up processing by a factor of 10 or so. I’ve re-run them on my desktop. The first completes in 45 seconds, and the second completes in around 5 seconds, so they still count for something!

The first optimisation, by David Conrad, worked by keeping a running total of the current value, modifying it each time around the loop based on how the digits in the number changed. It printed the result whenever the number equalled this running total. Here’s the code:

The second optimisation, by Geoff Bailey (AKA Fred the Wonder Worm), was really clever; it maintained a running total too, but worked by looping over 10 variables, one that represented each digit. Here’s the code:

I guess that optimisation and obfuscation are closely related (although you don’t always get faster code by making it harder to understand).